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I Let it Go

It has been a long time since I have been able to write something. Matt has been gone for almost a month and comes home is a couple days. I can't describe how much the deployment will be looming over me once he gets home. This was a practice run, and was indeed practice for all of us. I look at Aidan and dread telling him that Daddy will be gone on another trip for a length of time he can't understand.

I dread helping him through the times that he won't understand.
My God is teaching me something about myself. I realized this month that I need him even more than I thought. I need consistent time with him like I need breakfast in the morning. I am desperate for his love, his attention and his strength. I am starving without him. I am ill tempered, impatient, lost, and untame without his lifeblood in me. Why do I even question whether or not sleep matters more than time with him. He asked me to get up early every morning at 5:30 and spend time with him in worship and study, then walk my kids through scripture and a lesson. I started off great. And the kids were better, the same way a dry, wilted plant reacts to water. They soaked it up and thrived. And then I got too comfortable. I slept in, I relaxed and what I got was a household of brittle, thirsty, dry souls. I needed to see that. I needed to see that there is no way I can live out my days without consistent time with him. How did I ever do it before. How did I ever live like this before. So many people just live and never thrive. Most don't even know they are not thriving. I am so sad at that. I am so changed. Its like I walked into Narnia and people are dusting the snow off of my shoulder like its dandruff and I'm wondering why they can't believe me, why they wouldn't want to see the world differently.
My favorite thing to watch is change in people. Favorite joy. Redemption, new purpose, humility, and a new picture of God that carried them through the cynicism around them. Ted Haggard on Oprah impressed me. He was broken, but boy was he beautiful.

So here I am Father, maybe I'm not broken, but my spirit is chipped, cracked. Simply because I chose myself today instead of you. Simply because I chose 30 minutes of sleep over worship with you, simply because I wasted a whole day trying to make it, myself, as good a day as only you can. I ask for forgiveness, for you to change me again.

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