This week, I allowed chaos into my life. With the boys adjusting to the time zone after the holidays (walking up at 3:30-4:30am) and Matt preparing to leave for a month- I became tired, overwhelmed, and ineffective. I had no time for me, God, much less a positive attitude.
The word "CHAOS" came into my mind.
My kids were running over me, my personhood, my authority.
I began to feel empty of energy, purpose, internal strength, know-how, confidence, and hope (for a month, much less a year). How was I going to do this on my own? And I decided. . . its time for a new beginning.
For whatever reason, God decided to create the heavens and the earth. There was hope in creating the earth, purpose, but it began formless, empty, dark, and deep, and chaotic. He did not start with structure as I tend to do. I always try controlling the chaos by implementing structure and it never lasts. Here I am, chaos winning, and I have doubt.
No. He hovered. He hovered over the waters. Unmoved. Still.
And his spirit hovers over my chaotic void. If I stand here long enough, still, I can feel his presence like a thick blanket, encircling me, forshadowing the good that is to come both in the creation of changes around me and in me. His presence is both peaceful and full of the purpose I lack on my own. It commands my body to be still, exhale my doubt, and be content with being still. Accepting the deafening sound of my unordered chaos. Then, it is not until I recognize that his hovering presence is louder than the screams of my dark chaotic void that change is ready for me.
And what does his Spirit do? He brings light. Truth. Himself. He did not take away my darkness, but gives me something to contrast it with. He provides time, routine, consistency, times of activity and rest- all in the introduction of the light- that which is good and that He, himself, is as consistent as the dawn.
And then, he begins to form, mold, and create, out of himself, in the light, creating good out of what is already Good.
And As I watch it all unfold. I can see order in my horizon. Once I remember what his hovering spirit feels like and letting him breathe new strength into my bones, I can begin a new routine. First, born of Him, what is already good, and grafting it into my routine, and then allowing Him to form me, mold me, as I try to mold my own children in the Light.