I haven't written for a while. Honestly...I have been tired, going through the motions, only driven to do what I have to do to complete my day. I think probably the worst feeling in the world is not feeling in control of yourself. I have had so many moments during my week where I have merely survived moment to moment just to keep from losing my temper or bursting into tears.
While mostly hormonal (damn those hormones) it has never been acceptable to me to lash out towards anyone that I love merely because I can't find the strength to contain it. The look in my son's eyes this morning as I snapped at him for not doing what I asked (even though I had asked him three or four times) was a look that no parent wants to see. Even though it wasn't catastrophic...In that one selfish moment, I told him that he could do something that would be responsible for me losing control of myself. I don't know exactly why I woke up the way I did this morning. Was it because I hadn't allowed myself enough time to get my coffee before the rush of demands from my children? Was it because I hadn't set my heart right with God and therefore began without purpose? Was it fatigue of the deployment? I am sure there are more reasons I could think of, but when it came down to it, I just wanted to be focused on myself.
Lately, God has not allowed me to do that. I have asked him several times to meet a need for me, to fill me when I am drained, or that I needed a word from Him, only to have his response be to "get outside myself" for someone else. I have to admit it made me pretty mad the first few times. Everytime I have wanted to feel sorry for myself, He very quickly reminds me that it is not about me and that there is far more pain in the world to think about. Even this morning, I was in tears at just how done I am with the deployment. I am so close to the finish line. Bitterness began to creep in. Where was my discipline, my peace, my drive that I began with almost a year ago? Surely I can't end on this kind of note. What happened to me getting up at 5:30am to spend time with God? Tears of frustration and shame as I looked back on my moment with Aidan. Even though I sat down with him and asked for forgiveness, claiming that his actions did not deserve my response. I had to ask forgiveness from God for treating his child so irresponsibly, so coldly. You may say it was nothing, that I should give myself a break. However, that is one thing that I cannot give myself room for. Mistakes: yes, and example of humility and conviction: yes, but I will never allow it to be okay to be an example of selfish, reactive, and misdirected emotions- left for a child to sort out what part of who they are warranted such a response.
And in my moments of self-centered, hormonal, mess- God reminded me of the several people I know who have gone through some kind of loss this week. Others who are in emotional pain, psychological pain. People who need comfort as their heart rips from their chest, wondering if God is even there. There are people who are questioning if they have what it takes to make it through their day (much like I have felt) and yet do not get relief at all regardless of a husband coming home at the end of the day, medication, or forgiveness that is available to them.
It felt good to step outside of myself. It felt good to remember that God "will never, never, never let the righteous fall." "Cast all your cares on the Lord, He will sustain you... He will sustain you." You are not forgotten, I am not forgotten, my son is not forgotten. My prayer is that his heart accepted my humility, and that God will sustain him through the day, will show him that he is more than his accomplishments, or how happy he makes his teacher today. That God will love on him despite his Dad being away to hold him. That God will move through someone else at school and affirm his character. That God will give me the words that his soul needs not just today, but each day. He is worth far more, deserves more, and is loved because he was created with purpose, compassion, and made exactly the way God wanted him to be made.